Friday, June 12, 2015

The Absolute Wrong Way To Help

     I am seething, I am furious. I know that writing when I am this angry is probably not the best idea. I recognize that it is hard to be objective when you are this angry, but I simply must write.
 
     To start, I want to say, that I recognize that there are people out there who genuinely want to help others and really don't know how. As a result, they sometimes do the wrong thing but with the right intentions. Also, as a Mom, I know that making sure that children are safe is a natural instinct and is mission critical. So please recognize that thru this rant, I am not unclear about that. I also know, that often (and unfortunately) many people are self absorbed and self righteous and don't usually stop to think about what impact their actions have on others. That people who truly want to help stop and ask how they can do so and don't sit in judgement of those around them.
 
     Last Saturday afternoon, on the way home from synagogue Yonatan had a meltdown tantrum. He became unmanageable while we were walking in the middle of our neighborhood and in order to get the situation and him under control my husband had to pick him up, throw him over his shoulder in a manner in which he could protect himself from being scratched and bitten and carry him home. Everything about this instance (and this was not the first time and will not be the last) is heartbreaking and horrible for us as parents. First off, no one wants to have to restrain their child in this was or in any way. Also, it is devastating to feel that your child might want to hurt you, even when you know that he can't help himself and that in a few hours, when he is calm he will feel devastating remorse and apologize endlessly for hours. It is embarrassing when this happens in public and it is extremely physically difficult to throw a 70 lb screaming, yelling, struggling child over your shoulder (especially when you are just a short jewish man). Simply put, it is awful.
   
     Now close your eyes and compound that terrible feeling with the feeling you have when you look back and see that the people walking behind are very clearly judging you unfavorably for your actions. When you can see the look of disgust on their faces. I want to be clear on this point. The look on their faces was not of concern but rather of judgement . They didn't ask if they could help. They didn't turn to my in laws who were walking with us and say "is everything ok? are you concerned by what is happening?". Nope. They just gave us dirty looks. At that same moment that I noticed them  Yonatan began to vomit. Understand, this is not an uncommon occurrence. Yonatan vomits when you look at him funny. He vomits when he sneezes and he always vomits when he is screaming and carrying on. So obviously, considering that, I didn't even blink or bat an eye when he did. It was at this moment, that in a nasty tone, one of the onlookers turned to me and said "don't you think you should finally put him down. He is vomiting!" I, being the friendly person I am, turned back and said (in an equally nasty tone) "we are just fine, I don't think we need your help and advice" and continued helping my husband. When I turned back, I noticed that my mother in law had stopped to educate these onlookers about our situation. I immediately turned to her and said "do not speak to them, we do not need to justify ourselves to them". The accuser at that point said "I was just concerned because your son was vomiting blood!" The fact that he can't tell the difference between cholent vomit and bloody vomit was not a point in his favor.
 
     After that encounter, my in laws tried to point out to me that people should in cases where they suspect abuse and in cases where they have concern speak up and that it is our responsibility to teach them. I explained to them that 1) no one abuses their kid in broad daylight on the busiest corner in their neighborhood at a time when everyone is walking home from shul and that 2) if they were in fact concerned then what they should have done is stopped and said "can we help you" or "is everything ok"? and not have been obnoxious and judgmental.  Because in fact, even that 1 minute dialogue with them hindered our ability to make sure our son was safe in the moment. Any distraction during one of these incidents can be incredibly detrimental. And it is time we can not afford to waste on other people. All of our attention in these instances must be on our son (not to mention our other 3 children).
   
     Fast forward to Thursday morning. My husband gets a call from the director of an organization that my son is involved in asking if he can come over and chat. He of course says yes and they sit down at our dining room table. He informs my husband that he received a call from this person saying that they believe that we are a family that sends their son there and that she was going to call child protective services for what she witnessed but having remembered that our son goes there decided to contact him first. She specifically noted that if this is what we do to him in public she can only imagine what we do to him in private. Obviously, he explained to her that there is no way that we would ever abuse our child and also how difficult he can be.
   
     Before I continue, I want to make one thing very clear. I feel very strongly that the only appropriate thing that was done here is that they called this organization. I think that in a case like this, where there is an organization with a leader who you know can be trusted and cares for children with special needs the absolute best thing to do for that child is bring it to their attention. I also feel strongly that no matter what you think (as the director) of any family you should always investigate every single claim because every child could be at risk and every child deserves every single advocate. Especially children who may not have their own voice.
   
     However, and this is a very big however, you need to understand the implications of your actions in a situation like this. Child protective services removes children first and investigates second. Can you imagine the impact of being removed from your home if you are a special needs child. Can you imagine the impact on the other children who will forever fear that if their older brother misbehaves they will be removed from their home? Can you understand for one second the depression that my husband and I experience from an encounter like this and generally from the difficulties of these situations.
   
     So to those of you out there who truly want to help but don't know how (or think they know how), if you witness something like this get off your high horse. Stop and say "is everything ok?" offer to help. Show kindness and compassion. Evaluate the situation in its entirety or recognize that in the moment you can't understand it fully. Don't rush to judge. Think through your actions. Look around and ask around. These people obviously knew who we were. They could have easily investigated us before making accusations. It is by but the good graces of G-d that they called this organization first. Even if the intention of these people was good my heart stops as I imagine the damage they could have done had they acted on their opinions and not on fact first.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Time Flies....

     Today is Yonatans 10th birthday. What a great day we had. From start to finish the day was truly special. We woke him up singing, we had a big family send off when he got on the school bus, I went to school with cupcakes, we went out for pizza and for ice cream. It was truly a great day. He had a blast. It was clear that he felt special, which is not an easy accomplishment when it comes to him. I am laying in bed (after all we partied all day) feeling very accomplished.
    Throughout the day I kept thinking to myself, wow, he's 10. Hard to believe that I have been at this for 10 years. Not that I have been a parent for 10 years. Thats not hard to believe. But that I have been HIS parent for 10 years. That I have been the mom of a special needs child for that long.
    It has been a long road (as chronicled in this blog). It is rewarding and challenging. It is exhausting and hard. Some days I am flying high and some days I am in the depths of darkness. I feel older than my 35 years old. I feel pride and excitement with each of his accomplishments and my love for him has no bounds.
     And I feel scared. I am scared because I feel with certainty that the next 10 will be even more challenging. I fear that whatever I have encountered and have been through thus far is nothing compared to the next stage. I am frightened by the idea of puberty and adolescence. Times that are a minefield in any childs life seem like a potential IED in our life.
     At age 10 he is already running away. What happens when he does it when he is older. When he weighs more than me and is taller than me. I already struggle with his strength now, what happens when I no longer even have a chance of overpowering him. When his impulsivity is an even bigger challenge for him and us? How do I keep him safe? I already told my husband that I feel like we need an electric fence that zaps him if he tries to leave our house (I'm not sure if that would get me arrested for child abuse but the idea does have some merit). For the first time last week I heard a voice in my head saying "what if we really can't figure out how to keep him in, what if he can't continue to live with us". It was a truly frightening moment.
     Today, in most peoples eyes he is a pretty cute kid. Yep he isn't always easy to be around but by and large he is a yummy little boy. What happens when he is no longer a cute kid but  a really difficult teenager or a strange adult? How does the world treat him then?
     So while I was grinning ear to ear today thinking about what a fabulous birthday he had, patting myself on the back for making it this far I was also contemplating what the future holds. Will I look back after the next 10 and think, WOW, I did it? Will it be better and easier than the first 10. Will all my fears and worrying be for naught? I truly don't know. Only time will tell. One thing is for certain though, I really need to learn to drink a little more. Life will certainly be rosier with a few cocktails!

Happy Birthday to my very special boy!

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Now You See Him, Now You Don't

     I often say about my son that the most difficult part of this whole "situation" is how smart he is. That at every turn he outsmarts us and that whatever measures we put in place to protect him and keep ahead of him will ultimately fail because he is just. so. damn. smart. Truer words were never spoken.
      I have written more than once about my son running away. It has happened to us more times than it should. To be honest, it shouldn't even have happened once. As you know (if you read my blog) we have put many environmental controls in place to stop him. We have a double sided lock on our front door that requires a combination to get in and out. We built a new bigger and better fence and we put a GPS on his person. We stopped allowing him to play in front of the house even though he loved to and we totally secured the back. We don't really like the fact that we have to limit his world all the time but it is for his own safety and so we do. It does make us sad because he loves to be outside and so we are always trying to find ways to keep him safe and give him access to the things that he loves. It is not easy to find solutions but we try. We have hired someone who comes on Saturdays and spends the entire afternoon walking around the neighborhood with him. We never leave him unattended outside, we are constantly on watch. It is difficult to manage life this way and so wherever we can we try to find ways to give him freedom and still maintain our sanity. Easier said than done.
     About two weeks ago my husband figured out a way to tie the front gate closed in a a manner that my son could not figure out how to open. It was a great solution because this way my son could be outside and we didn't have to worry. It even worked for a bit. Until today when as usual my son outsmarted us. 
     My car was being washed in front of my house. I told the man washing my car that I was tying up the gate and that he shouldn't open it when he was done but that he should text me. My son was hanging inside the locked gate watching him and watching for the mailman and believing him safe I went back to work. About 20 minutes later my phone rang, it was my new babysitter telling me that Yonatan had run away. I ran outside and started down the block where I found the car wash guy running and searching for him. I looked up and saw him about a block and a half down and took off after him. I bumped into a neighbor of mine who saw me and told me she had been driving around following him because she didn't have my number. She was pretty sure this outing was probably not parent approved. Um,Yeah, Probably not! I hopped in her car and caught up with him about 4 blocks from our house where another neighbors babysitter was chasing after him trying to keep him safe as he ran through the middle of the street.
     How did Houdini do it you wonder? Well I did too, until the car wash guy explained to me that he hopped over the fence. He was there one minute gone the next. For a minute I thought, wow, totally didn't think he had the gross motor skills for that (secret proud parent moment) and then thought, oh shoot, do I now need to build a new fence. Not going to do that. So back to locking him in the house I guess.
     I hate that we always have to take things away from him. That the response to this is always to limit his life more than it already is, but what choice do I have. As his mother isn't my most important job to keep him safe and alive?
     You know what was most interesting to me about todays escape? I was totally calm. It was actually weird to me. Usually I am flustered, out of breath, sweating profusely and furious. This time, I of course took off running but I wasn't gripped by the usual fear that over takes me. I am not fully sure that I understand why. The same issues as always existed. He could have been hit by a car or kidnapped. He could have fallen and gotten hurt. Somehow, I wasn't nervous about any of that. Maybe it was because of the really nice car wash man who was out searching for him, or the fact that I know that everyone in this neighborhood knows him and looks out for him. Maybe it is because I know he won't get lost because he has an incredible sense of direction. Or maybe it is simply that I have been in this movie so many times and I feel confident that I already know the ending. Or maybe I am finally losing my mind. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Keep Your Second Hand Smoke To Yourself

     I used to say about people who smoked in public places that just because they were choosing to kill themselves didn't mean that they should be able to take others down with them. Not only are they blowing smoke my way or my kids way but they are blowing the worst part of the smoke at us. You can only imagine how happy I was when states began to make smoking in public places illegal. It's pretty much almost never a problem anymore and every once in a while when I encounter someone smoking near me and my family at the Coffee Bean or someplace else I simply get up and tell them that it is illegal to smoke within 10 ft of the establishment and off they go. Problem eradicated.
     There has been a lot said and written about the new measles outbreak. A lot of attention has been given to people who refuse to vaccinate their kids. There has been much talk about the fact that they have brought back illnesses that were completely wiped out and that they are endangering others and truthfully mostly their own kids.
     I want to add my two cents. I want to explain to those parents what they are doing to families like mine. If you read my blog you know that we often find ourselves in medical crises. Thankfully, to date, we have managed to come out unscathed. We may be a little battle weary but we are OK. Every time we end up in the hospital with Yonatan, I say that even though it is undiagnosed, I KNOW that my son has some type of immunodeficiency. I may not have a medical degree but mothers intuition and experience is all I need. Yonatan is that kid who gets everything. He is the kid who had HUS at an a very early age when kids usually don't develop it. He is the one who had the chicken pox even though he was vaccinated. When he had walking pneumonia, it turned into a full blown hospitalization because he wasn't breathing right and had a pulse oxygen of 86 when we got the hospital. He is the kid who had the crazy reaction to steroids that affected his liver function and landed us in the hospital, yet again. The kid that had the roto virus 6 times when there are only 5 strains of it. The boy who was hospitalized for the hiccups because we needed to rule out a brain tumor. The list goes on.
     My pediatrician has tried to reassure me by telling me that the chances of a child who is vaccinated getting the measles would be like "being struck by lightening" that 99.9% of kids who are vaccinated will not become infected.  Does it seem like we would be that lucky? I mean, when has Yonatan ever not been in the .01%?
     The measles for us would be deadly, because not only do I have a child with special needs with a compromised immune system I also have a newborn baby. A poor little adorable defenseless newborn baby who is too young to be vaccinated. So if my son who catches everything gets measles, that is who he is bringing it home to. That is who the parents who don't vaccinate their kids are putting at risk. Not one of my children but two. Can you tell me what my kids ever did to you or yours? Quite the opposite, my children are protecting your children because they have been vaccinated. You in your selfishness are relying on my children to offer yours their "herd immunity". So let me get this straight, you get to put my children at risk while also benefitting from my good sense? Really? Explain that to me, because I truly don't get it.
     Besides the fact that the study linking autism and other developmental issues to vaccinations has been proven false over and over again, consider this; I actually HAVE a child with special needs and I vaccinate my kids. Why don't you, what on earth can you possibly be thinking. More than that, did you even ask your kids their opinion on the matter? Did you allow them to be a part of the decision? I would guess not. I would guess that you decided without their input that they were better off without life saving vaccines. Are you sure they would agree with you? Do you think they want to be the cause of another child becoming ill or even G-d forbid worse? Do you think that they want to be singled out as the kids that no one is allowed to play with? Did your parents do that to you? Because I would venture to guess that all of you parents out there who choose not to vaccinate your kids were vaccinated as children. Did it cause you  much harm? You seem to be walking around just fine.
     So here is my request to you, if even after reading everything that has been written about the harm you are doing and assuming the law is not changed, you still refuse to vaccinate your kids could you just please keep your kids home until this is over. Give the rest of us some peace of mind. Hell have a chicken pox party with the other crazy families like yours like we used to have as kids. I'll even supply the oatmeal for the baths, just please stay away from me and mine.
   
   

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Day I Retired My Cape

     I have had a running joke with a good friend of mine for years about being "supermoms". It started ages ago when she called me one day and asked how she was going to accomplish all the things she had to do in a short period of time. My response: "I'll tell you how, by going into your phone booth and putting on your cape". From then on whenever one of us found ourselves in one of those crazy working mom moments we would text each other things like "my cape is on tight" or "I have a snag in my cape" or "I can feel my cape billowing behind me" and so on. I used to find it hilarious! I am SO over that joke.
     My babysitter of 10 years told me on New Years eve that she was quitting. She had been with me since I had one little newborn baby and a two bedroom apartment. I now have four kids, one with special needs, and a four bedroom house. I get it. She was tired and looking for something different and easier. I totally understood. After a moment of panic, I did what I always do and put on my cape. She agreed to stay with me until I found someone or to give me two weeks notice if she found something else first and I began interviewing new people. I could not believe my luck when I found someone who fit the bill on my second interview. Young, energetic, undaunted by the job, experience with kids with special needs and by her own admission "OCD about cleaning". What more could I ask for. We decided she would start on Monday of this week and I even helped my old babysitter find a new job.
     Yesterday was her first day and it went off with out a hitch! Or so I thought. It seemed like everything went swimmingly well. That is until today when she didn't show up. No call, no text, nothing. Just a no show. When I finally reached her 2 hours after she was supposed to have been in my house she informed me that the commute was too long and she would not be returning, umm thanks, I kind of figured it out by then. Really appreciate your thoughtfulness!
     And so today I donned my cloak yet again. I cleaned my house; made all the beds, did all of the dishes, took care of my baby, made dinner, took my son to his playdate (due to the never ending winter break from Maimonides) worked all day, collected my son from the bus, dealt with his massive meltdown because of the disruption to his routine, managed a carpool, interviewed four potential new babysitters and called everyone I know to tell them I am looking again. I even managed a swim (granted that was at 7 am before this entire debacle began). You are probably tired just reading this paragraph so you can only imagine how I feel right now and my night is not even close to over. 
     And so, after today, I have decided to retire my cape. I figure that if I stop appearing to be so damn capable I might not actually have to be. Maybe then I will catch a break, because I could sure use one. Or at least maybe I'll be a little less tired. Either of those sound grand right about now. 
     *funnily enough when I thought of writing this post in my mind it seemed like it might be funny. Pretty sure in reality, not so much.
     **if you know an amazing babysitter please let me know!
  

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Never A Dull Moment

     When I was younger my brother used to call me "move on move past Miriam". He gave me the nickname because I could literally get over anything and everything quickly. I would choose a moment when I was done being upset or annoyed about something and just decide in that instant that I was over it. I was a master at it. It is the kind of skill that should have carried into adulthood and really served me well in life. So why didn't it?
     We were supposed to be on a plane to Israel right now. My niece is getting married and the whole family, my husband, myself and my 4 children including my brand spanking new baby were going to Israel for the week of Thanksgiving. I decided that we would all go this summer even before the baby was born. I checked with my pediatrician and asked if he would let me take a newborn without shots on a plane and he said yes barring any issues. I was eager to book the tickets during the summer because the prices were great during the war. Nothing, literally nothing could deter me. Everyone told me I was insane to take an entire family, especially a newborn for just a week, but I was on a mission.
     Last week my oldest son was hospitalized twice. Once for low blood pressure for which we were discharged after about 24 hours and then not 24 hours later we were back in the hospital because he had hiccups for 3 days straight and non stop vomiting. That combined with the low blood pressure and the fact that he was acting strange got us a one way ticket to the MRI machine. Apparently these are potential signs of a brain tumor. When all of this was going on, I did not even break a sweat. After all we have been through enough of these medical emergencies to know that at the end he is always OK. When the doctor mentioned the words brain tumor, my husband and I did not even flinch. We were that sure that he would be just fine. Yes, it is exhausting every time we land in the hospital and sure it is really no fun, but thank G-d, we have never had to actually face anything serious. In the end (bli ayin hara) it always turns out OK and we chalk it up to "its Yonatan". After each of these episodes I always say "one day they will call it the Yonatan syndrome and diagnose other kids with it". Each and every time I move on and move past.
     So why then, when I discovered last night at 10 pm that his passport was expired and realized that there was no way we would be on a plane on Sunday at 1:30 pm did I find myself in a tail spin? Crying and being so upset that I thought I was literally going to vomit? Why is it, that when things as huge as the need to rule out a brain tumor happen I don't even flinch but an expired passport feels like it will be the end of me, the straw that breaks the camels back? That same brother said to me today "come on Mir, move on move past. You of all people should know that this is really not worth getting worked up over. You have much bigger fish to fry". I know he is right but as I told him, there are so few things in my life that I have control over. I have no choice but to get over them because they are the cards I have been dealt so when the things that are in my control go to hell they hit me extra hard because those are the situations that should be in my power to control and that makes them much harder to get over.
     In the last month I have had a baby, I have taken my son to the hospital twice, I have seen countless new doctors with him, I managed to get my newborn daughter an expedited passport (and yes, I even checked all my other kids passports before taking care of hers to make sure they weren't expired and somehow missed the date on his) and the question I kept asking everyone is "can I still go to Israel" and "don't forget that we are going to Israel next week. Can we travel with those hiccups", "is the blood pressure an issue, can we still leave on the 23rd?". I think that the idea that after all of that an expired passport was going to be what got in my way, overwhelmed me. I know this happens to everyone. Who does't have some passport nightmare story? The difference is that when it happens to them they haven't dealt with all of the crap that I have before even getting to their passport fiasco. They haven't had the kind of month I have. So they can deal with it, cry a bit and move on. For me it is the build up to the stupid things that make them so hard to swallow and so difficult to move past.
     The good news is that this story has a happy ending. No we did not get on a plane today but we will get on on one on Tuesday. All of us! and we will be at the wedding, with bells on. We may be a little travel and life weary and the bells may not ring as loudly, but we will be there.


Thursday, September 4, 2014

Between A Rock and A Hard Place

     I haven't blogged in a while. First I was at the beginning of my pregnancy and to sick too pick my head up to do anything. Then I got very busy with work and by the end of the day was so tired that all I could manage was either sleep or mindless TV for a few minutes before sleep. It is unfortunate because I missed many opportunities to blog about good things like my sons amazing summer at camp and our amazing visiting day experience. I didn't have a chance to talk about how great his homecoming was, or how much we all missed him. Or the ways in which I used the summer to relax. I wasn't able to share my feelings and thoughts on what was happening in Israel this summer or about the two trips my husband and I managed to take. I guess when everything is quiet we forget to take a minute to sit down and appreciate it, much less write about it. So here I am, months since my last blog post and I am back with a depressing story.
     My son has been back home since August 18th. We missed him madly and of course are very happy to have him home but what I realize again, with his homecoming, is that there is no re-entry, there is no easing back in. He is home and he is back to being himself immediately. The main difference honestly is how much he grew over the summer. He must be at least 3 or 4 inches taller than when he left. He is a giant. Before he left to camp I was already entering a new stage, one where I had begun to realize that at age 9 he is already stronger than me. That I can basically no longer physically over power him when necessary. So even though we have put many safety measures in place such as the double sided lock on the front door, the new gate to make sure he can't escape and the GPS device that he wears daily, we still have episodes. After all the plan is not to keep him locked up for life.
     And so, over the last 2 days I have had to tackle him to the ground three times. Once yesterday and twice today. At this stage though, this is a bit tricky because I am 8 months pregnant. So 1) there is a danger in it for me that was not there previously 2) it is physically more difficult and 3) I weigh considerably more than I used to and am unable to lay across him in a way that distributes my weight evenly across his body like I used to do (insert fat pregnancy joke here). But what am I to do when faced with a risk to his safety, allow him to run and potentially end up in the middle of the street or in some other dangerous situation. Obviously, that isn't a choice. Do I expect others (who aren't his mother) to have to manhandle him in that way, that seems pretty unfair to them. Or do I get down on the ground, lay across him while trying to protect my belly and call my husband to come home from work to help me? It seems there is only one answer, certainly in that moment.
     But there are bigger questions here. How do I choose in that situation who to protect? Do I protect my son who has no impulse control and can be a harm to himself. Do I choose to protect my stomach and unborn child? Is there a happy medium? Is it irresponsible of me, knowing that my son is stronger than me, to even be pregnant? My son would never hurt me on purpose, but when he loses control he can't stop himself, he is totally lost in his obsession at that moment. And what happens now that he is truly stronger than me? What does this next stage look like? How do I manage it? What happens in a few years when he is stronger than my husband too (those of you who know my husband know he is not a bog guy)? Who do I call then?
     Don't misunderstand, my son is not violent and this isn't an always problem, but we do have these moments and incidents. We also don't know what will be as he gets older, maybe it will get easier. Maybe he will be less impulsive. Maybe he will be calmer and easier to manage, or maybe not. I don't know how this story develops, all I know is that I wish I had blogged about something more sunny during the calm. It would be nice to be able to re read those blogs during the storm.