Sunday, August 19, 2012

Divide and Conquer

     When I was younger I always pictured my life nice and tidy and tied with a big bow. I think most of us do. We imagine the life we will have and it is usually bright and shiny and easy. We are too young and dumb to think it could be any other way. So I envisioned a life with my big family and all the things we would do. I think one of the hardest parts of my actual life, for me, is the adjustment I had to make from the life I imagined to the life I actually live.
    That is a reality we all face. Not only me as the mother of a special needs child but anyone whose life has at all veered from the path they imagined (which is probably everyone in some form). I find that I am often still coming to terms with this reality and so it is sometimes challenging to figure out what path to take. For example, for the longest time I resisted getting help on Saturdays. In my mind, Shabbat was a family day and if I had someone else watching my son that meant he was not experiencing the things that were special and unique to that day. Until one day I woke up and realized that none of us were because instead of sitting down at the shabbat table or being inside of synagogue one or some of us were out delivering the mail with him. Instead of just him losing out on something that he had no idea he was missing, we all were. And so I hired someone to help out on Saturdays. It is true, that is not the way I imagined my family experiencing shabbat but it works, and that is what matters. So to with Sundays. As I have written in the past, for a long time we rarely did anything more than going to the Coffee Bean on Sundays (which as many of you know is somewhat of its own religion for us). The truth is, that it works for us. It is something that all of my children enjoy and so that was enough. Only recently have we begun to expand our repertoire to include more activity on Sundays. And you know what, that was OK.
     Until now. Our middle child is getting older. He is 5 and ready to experience more. He hears about all of the things his friends do and is ready to do them too. Unfortunately though, he is often held back. It is difficult for us to do these things as a family. Taking our older son to a lot of these fun and exciting places is out of the question and truthfully just plain not worth it. Does that mean though that his siblings should not have those opportunities that they crave. That we as parents should not be able to provide them and watch our other children bask in the amazement of these things.
    It is a very big step to look at your family unit and be able to say that it works best when divided. The dream is to be able to do everything together. To go places and experience them with all of our children. To have albums filled with pictures (at least theoretical albums because anyone who knows me knows that even if I had the pictures printed they would just collect dust in their envelope) of all of the great things that our family has done. We are finally taking that step. We are untying the big imagined tidy bow.
     Tomorrow my husband is packing up the car early in the morning (or at least early for him) and hitting the road with our middle child. They are going to San Diego to visit Sea World and Legoland. Two rites of passage for any Southern California child. This is not a trip that would work for my oldest and my youngest is too young to know that she missed it. So we have decided, that for our family, not all pictures will have to include everyone and that it is OK. There will be plenty of things  that we will all do together but that it is also ok to understand our family unit and be comfortable with how it best functions. Sure, I am a little sad that we can't do it together and jealous of the fact that my husband will be there to see my middle ones face light up as he pets his first dolphin or goes on a roller coaster but the truth is, I am mostly excited for my son. He is going to have the best time. He doesn't know that he is going yet. The plan is to tell him when he gets in the car tomorrow so that I can have the opportunity to see his face light up without his siblings feeling left out or sad. Yeah it stinks that I won't be a part of it but truthfully, roller coasters make me nauseous and I am afraid of animals and these two facts help to console me.
    So while part of me is sad about the fact that the life that I envisioned is not the reality, the other part of me is excited that we have managed to figure out how to still make it work. How to provide each of our children with experiences and memories that they will cherish. Some will be together and some will be apart but I know that each one will be special.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Making Lemonade

     I received an inquiry on Friday through my companies website from a farmer who asked me to contact her. She sent an email like many others do, saying that she was interested in learning more and asked that someone contact her to show her a demo. What I particularly love about what I do is that I have the opportunity to speak with people who are 1) truly fascinating and 2) extremely passionate about making this world a better and healthier place. Because of this, I can really say that I am often lucky enough to speak to many interesting people in the course of my day/week. This woman though, blew me a way.
     I would never have thought, when I started this job that my personal and professional life would intersect in so many ways. As it turns out though, they do. When you work with people who are passionate, you often find yourself meeting people who apply their passions in many ways. For example, there is the farm that is actually a home/program for adults with special needs. The adults come to live on the farm, in one of their many community homes, and while living there learn about agriculture, farming as a profession and how to run a csa. They provide them with an opportunity to have a profession, invaluable life skills as well as a community to be a part of. There is probably no greater gift that you can give to an adult with special needs then a place in society.
    There is the buying coop a colleague of mine came across in Florida that was started by moms of kids with special needs who have to adhere to certain diets and so they decided to make it easier for all of the mothers like them in their area. I could give more examples but I am sure you catch my drift.
     And then there is the woman I spoke with on Friday. I started off the conversation as I always do by saying "So tell me about your CSA program". Her response: "well I have an 11 year old son with special needs who needed a specific diet..." Part of that diet was to drink 2 gallons of organic cream each week. So she figured, since she lived on a farm anyway, she might as well get a cow because it was so much cheaper, and from there she started her dairy csa. The next thing was that her son needed organically grown fruits and vegetables and she began farming them and so began her veggie csa. She then thought to herself, that the youth in her area seemed to be spending too much time hanging on the street corners. Since she needed labor for her farm anyway she started a riding program for youth. In exchange for riding lessons they would work the land and with that she got the teenagers off the streets. She made sure in purchasing her horses that they were trained for people with disabilities so that she could accommodate children with epilepsy or other disabilities.
     And that was just her getting started. She was probably one of the most impressive people I have ever spoken with. I told her about my son, we exchanged some stories and she totally got it. By the end of the call I felt like we were friends.
     I often think about what my legacy will be. I don't mean in a grandiose way but more in a "in what way will I impact people" way. I feel like I was given this life for a reason. I feel strongly that it is not just about getting through my "situation" but about what impact I can have on others as a result. After speaking with her I know that it is time to kick that into high gear. Her son is only a little older than mine and look at what she has already accomplished! I want to take my lemons and turn them into lemonade. I want to make sure that my legacy is that I helped as many mothers like me and as many children like mine. I don't know how yet, but I guess it is time to start figuring it out.