For my middle sons 4th birthday I decided he should have a bike. My parents came to town and we all got in the car together to go to the local bike store to get it. Being a 4 year old, he wanted something else instead, probably a lego kit or another action figure or whatever he was into at the time. But as his Mom, I decided that at 4, you need a bike and that he was getting one. On the way to the bike store, I was still working on convincing him what a great present it was when he asked me if his older brother was getting one too. I wasn't quite sure what to say, so I told him I wasn't sure. He looked at me and said "well YoYo has squishy hands so riding a bike will probably be hard for him". I am not really sure what squishy hands meant, but I did understand that he "understood". At that age he already knew his brother was different and that was how he expressed it.
About a year ago, my husband and he were sitting on the couch watching TV. They were watching a show called Ninjago which is about lego ninjas who are "brothers". The white ninja, Zane, is different and is always "annoying" his brothers. In this particular episode we discovered that Zane is in fact a robot and that is the reason he is different. Sensei Woo, the leader and mentor of the ninja's, explains to the others that even though everyone is different, he is still your brother. At that moment, my son turned to my husband and said "oh, like Yonatan" and promptly turned back to the tv with out any further discussion.
This past Sunday my husband went to a donate blood at a local blood drive. My middle son decided to go with him to witness his good deed. On the way there, he was asking my husband questions about blood and what it means to donate it. For some reason my husband decided to use Ninjago as a metaphor for giving blood. He talked about how Zane is a robot and just like him we also have a "jet pack" on our backs that turns our blood on and off. His little brain got straight to work and he said to his father "oh, can we turn Yonatan off of special needs" followed by "Do I have special needs?".
We have never had a real discussion with our 5 (almost 6 year old) about his older brother. But we know that he "gets" it. What exactly he gets, I am not sure of. But I know that he gets it. In asking that, he wanted to know how we could help his brother. He recognizes that his brother is different and wants to help him. He is amazingly patient and compassionate towards his brother. He doesn't want him to be different because he sees that it is hard on Yonatan. He asks me all the time when he and his brother can go to the same school and why Yonatan can't go to a jewish school. It is always on his mind.
I don't know when the right time to have the "talk" is. Truthfully, I dread it more than the "other" talk. It seems though, that I may not need to. That he is a pretty bright kid and so he is figuring it out on his own. That over time he will understand more and more and ask us when he has questions. It is interesting to watch this happen and to hear a 5 year olds perspective. It seems that he is piecing this together on his own in a childs way and I am pretty sure that we adults should not get in the way of that.
