Why am I freaking out you ask? We have decided to send our oldest to sleep away camp this summer. There is a camp on the east coast for children with special needs. For about two years, people have been trying to convince us to send him there. There has been a real campaign going and we have finally been convinced to send him. We have been promised that it is like "Disney World for kids with special needs" and that he is going to have the summer of his life. Everyone who has ever been there swears up and down that it will be amazing.
It's not that I don't believe them, obviously I do or I wouldn't be sending him. It's that I have a million emotions running through me as I think about this decision that we have made. I know that kids go to sleep away camp all the time, but honestly this really is different. First of all, he is only 8! He is still a baby and seven weeks is a long time. Second of all, I am not entirely sure that he gets it. I know he knows he is going to camp and that he is taking an airplane to get there. I know that he understands that he is sleeping there for seven weeks but I am pretty sure that he has almost no concept of time. He gets that his father is bringing him there, but does he realize that about an hour after he drops him off he is leaving him? No clue.
Those are just the logistical concerns. I am not at all worried about the care he will receive, it is clear that he will be loved and well cared for. To be honest, I am more worried about myself in that regard. Being Yonatans mom is a full time job, 168 hours a week. It consumes me. In many ways it defines me. What will I do on Thursday morning when the thing that takes up 98% of my brain power is not here? Many people have offered to give me suggestions, but still, it really will be strange. I compare it to someone who G-d forbid is caring for a sick loved one on a full time basis. If that person becomes well or (G-d forbid) dies, and you no longer are responsible for their care everyday you suddenly find yourself at a loss as to what to do everyday.
On the flip side, I keep hearing that this is not only the best thing for him but for all of us. A break for me and my husband. An opportunity for my other kids to shine and have all of our attention. To do things as a family that we can't otherwise do. While that sounds great, it makes me feel incredibly sad. We are a family, we do things as a unit. It saddens me to think that in order for us to be able to do things we need to not all be together. My greater family is going on a trip to Europe this summer and he will be the only one not there. That doesn't make me say "great, now we can go to more museums" it makes me want to cry that we can't do that with him. That in order to participate we need to ship him off for the summer. Yeah, I get it, he will be having a much better time. So what, I am still sad. It feels wrong as his mother to need a break. I know what all of you are thinking, every parent needs a break. This is normal. You are all wrong. Until you have a child with special needs, you really don't get it. It is not the same. There is a lot more guilt associated with my needing a break and your needing one. Sorry, but that is just the truth.
My biggest fear? What happens if this is the most relaxing summer and 7 weeks I have ever had. What happens if what everyone says is true. Will it be hard to start again when he comes home? To slip back into the role of being his mom full time? Honestly, that feeling is what gives me the most guilt.
And so, as I sit here 48 hours before his departure, I am silently freaking out. I am torn up in side and really hoping that he will have the summer of his life, which has been promised to me. Because if not, I will have an obscene amount of mom guilt and I may not be able to be quite so stoic about that.
