Sunday, December 27, 2015

A Million Little Earthquakes

     Not long after we moved into our house we decided to decorate our living room. We spent a lot of time, effort and money on it. I remember the day our (very expensive) chairs were delivered. The delivery man unwrapped them from their protective wrapping and we stood and looked at them. We were so excited and we loved them. I sat down in one of them for the first time and was marveling at how comfortable it was when my son began to melt down. In the blink of an eye he bit into one of my brand new too expensive chairs and the next thing I knew I was looking at a tiny little hole in the arm of that beautiful chair that I had owned for less than 10 minutes. That story has kind of become a depressing metaphor for our lives. It was in that moment that the "its just not worth it" approach took shape.  
   
     Lately though, that approach has lost its luster. I have found myself feeling sad. It isn't something specific but more like a million little cracks that that have been building up to one giant earthquake. I have said in the past, that I sometimes find myself envious of the ease of other peoples lives. Jealous of the fact that people can just sail through life without a heavy weight holding them down. Without a tiny little puncture in their chair that is leaking air. I know of course that everyone has baggage and that life isn't really that simple for anyone, but from my vantage point is seems a heck of a lot easier for them than it does for me.
   
     I see it in everything. It's in the way they causally take their kids out to dinner for someones birthday to whatever restaurant they want, not just the pizza store because that is the only one they can safely manage.  It's in the way they decide at 10 am on Sunday morning to go to SeaWorld that same day, or to fly up to San Francisco for the weekend. It's in the decision to have another child and add to their brood, or to just hire a local teenage babysitter and go to the movies because any 13 year old can manage their kids. The way they can take all of their kids to the mall, by themselves, and not worry about whether or not they will actually make it out alive and with everyone they went in with still in tow. It's the ability to go to their nephews Bar Mitzva in NY for the weekend and not obsess for weeks in advance about whether or not it will actually be ok. It's the ease with which they decide to decorate their den and not spend four years living with a filthy couch and even filthier rug because they just know that it will be vomited on within seconds of owning it. Its the knowledge that when their shutters break they can call someone to come fix them instead of living with broken ones because they don't have to worry that it will just happen again in 5 minutes. It's the fact that while, if they broke their foot, it would totally suck but not actually be catastrophic and debilitating for their family.
   
    If I am honest, it is the feeling that when I look around it seems like everyone else is in control of their lives, that they are in the drivers seat, and I am simply not.  And so even though there is nothing major that has happened lately. No huge crazy story for me to tell, I find myself feeling crushed under the weight of it all. Crushed by the feeling of how difficult my life is and wishing I could go back to the Miriam who never actually said that out loud. Who pretended like life wasn't so hard so that she didnt' have to admit it, even to herself. Who didn't have to feel stagnant and sad by the limitations of her life.
   
     Someone recently commented to me about the fact that I hadn't written anything in a while and I responded that some things feel too personal to write about. They laughed and said "too personal for you?!?". Yes, it is true that I have shared many personal things here in this blog, but somehow this post feels a little more deeply personal which is why I have held it back for a while and mulled over it. But somehow today, as I anticipate the arrival of my brand new couch and the purchase of my new rug the time to share seemed right.

2 comments:

  1. Unfortunately I don't have any wise words of wisdom or acy great advice that will save the day. Just know that you have my (and MANY others') admiration and unwavering support. Even if I'm unable to help you directly, as recently as yesterday I was thinking of you as I watched a YACHAD member lay down on the floor of a very crowded and raucous NCSY havdallah service as his advisers tried in vain to get him to stand up and move out of harms way.

    Sending you best wishes from the Midwest!
    Ari

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  2. yes I am always amazed by your honesty and your openness to discuss the stresses in your life. you know better than anyone else that LIFE challenges are not fair yet you and ari find the strength every day to take on the DAY. the Mark household is never boring, yet still find the time to make the most awesome BaBKA known to the human raise. may Hashem continue to give you and Ari strength to continue the challenging mission given to you. He can not let you down.

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